Of Gall and xBoxes
So remember last week when I came home from Italy and I was all, “Phew, I can relax until Christmas.”
Boy what a funny guy I am!
So last Tuesday Modern Warfare 2 comes out, and I am psyched like nobody’s business, because if there’s one thing that Scotty McWegner loves, it’s some mutherfucking simulated murder. Judge me if you must. It’s what keeps me from murdering real people. That, and the thought of being anally raped on a daily basis at the Federal prison they are building up in Berlin, NH. But mostly it’s the simulated murder that keeps the innocent safe.
Anyhoo, I get the game. I play the game for about 20 minutes. The phone rings. My wife is in the hospital. Her gall bladder is all fucked up and she’s going to need surgery.
My first thought was of course; “That inconsiderate bitch. She knew this was Murder Tuesday. Her gall bladder did this on purpose!”
Now, I share this with you guys, and it may make you hate me a little, (or more than you already do). But I know that if 98% of you are honest with yourselves this would be the first thing that popped into your heads as well. You other 2% are so full of shit that the next person you talk to is going to think you’re gargling chocolate pudding.
Three seconds later I was back in reality, the game was forgotten, and as soon as I had the Widget collected from school we went to the hospital. As an aside I would like to note that it is approximately eleven miles from my house to old Memorial Hospital. At last count there are 42 traffic lights in between. Anywhere else in America the lights on a super busy road like Rt 101A would all be synchronized to maximize traffic flow. But this is New Hampshire, The “Live Free, Now Die” state. So instead most of the lights are fitted with pressure plates, so when some jackass from Amherst decides he wants to cut across 101A to get to the Wal-Mart, 600 speeding automobiles have to come to screeching halt to accommodate him and his burning desire to be the next superstar on People of Wal*Mart. The point is, getting to the hospital is not a long drive, but it’s one of those drives that makes you want to murder people . . .which is fast becoming a very disturbing trend in this week’s blog post. *cough*
So we visit. Dorinda is in bad shape and won’t be going anywhere. We all hang out, then we go home and I put the upset Widget to bed. About five seconds after she drifts off I am pelting down the stairs, making a pot of coffee, and getting ready to virtually murder the fuck out of people until I pass out on the couch dreaming of unrealistic Michael Bay firefights and getting enough head-shots to unlock the “Kill More Better” attachment for my FN-SCAR. I am going to virtually murder shit so hard that it’s scary. And when I get murdered virtually, (which happens six or seven times for every virtual murder I commit, which means there is always a long list of very personal virtual murders waiting to be perpetrated), my vengeance shall be swift and virtually unforgiving. Assuming I don’t get murdered on my way to the murder. Which happens a lot.
All goes well for about an hour. And then there is a disheartening grinding sound from deep within the bowels of my 360. A sound of unhappy bowels that I have not heard since my father passed away. And the xBox is no more. Like dad, it drank and smoked itself into an early grave, but damn, did it have fun along the way, or what? And it destroyed the game disk as well.
What happened next is not fit for retelling, so lets pretend I reacted with poise and aplomb. Skip ahead to today. Dorinda has been home for a few days. She is doing great and recovering nicely, but still needs a lot of help with everything. She has 5 small holes in her torso -the most disgusting of which being IN -HER -BELLY -BUTTON. I had to buy a new xBox. And I am now a part-time nurse.
I should have let the xBox go until after Christmas. Dorinda’s a big enough distraction from my work on Robo 4.2. Modern Warfare 2: How I Virtually Murdered Everyone In The World has effectively destroyed my ambition to get any work done. It doesn’t help that Brian wrote a big intimidating over-sized issue full of so much shit I don’t know how to draw that I don’t even want to start because oh my god, how can I ever finish it kind of script. It also doesn’t help that I have enough time (and almost enough money) to take the next few weeks off and do nothing but chill with my convalescing wife and my other great love; the Murder Box. Oh and Left 4 Dead 2 comes out tomorrow. Did I mention that already? Fuck.
Maybe I will take a few days off . . .
Oh wait! Before I go I need to tell you that the great guys over at runestonecomic.com interviewed us like . . .a thousand years ago! They even sent us nice emails telling us that it was posted to the Interwebs. But withe everything we’ve had going on lately it sort of got lost in the shuffle. We suck. Check it out.
RANDOM SPLENDOR
Guess what I want to pitch to Marvel . . .?
